You Didn't Sign Up for This

No grandparent imagines the phone call that changes everything.

Maybe it came in the middle of the night. Maybe it was a knock at the door. Maybe you saw it coming for months and made the call yourself — because someone had to, and no one else was going to.

Whatever the circumstances, the result is the same: you are now raising your grandchildren. And the life you expected in this season — the one with a little more rest, a little more freedom, a little more quiet — is not the life you're living.

You are not alone. According to the 2010 U.S. Census, approximately 8–10 percent of all grandchildren in the United States are being raised by grandparents — somewhere between eight and twelve million children. The opioid epidemic alone accounts for an estimated 40 percent of children removed from parental care. Behind every number is a family like yours: grandparents who stepped up when their grandchildren had nowhere else to go.

This article is for you.

The Five Most Common Reasons

The circumstances that bring grandparents into this role are as varied as the families involved. The five most common causes are drugs (including alcoholism and the opioid epidemic), domestic violence, detention, divorce, and death. Whatever the cause, it ultimately comes down to young parents not being able to protect and provide for their own children — and a grandparent willing to step into the gap.

Some grandparents enter this role with full legal adoption rights. Others have guardianship or temporary custody. Some have no legal status at all. The legal arrangements vary. The love does not.

What You're Feeling Is Real

Cavin Harper, founder of Christian Grandparenting Network and author of Raising Your Grandchildren, has spoken with scores of grandparents in this situation. He has identified seven feelings that are nearly universal — feelings that others often don't see or acknowledge:

• Feeling emotionally and mentally overwhelmed
• Feeling physically exhausted
• Feeling hopeless — which can lead to depression
• Feeling isolated from friends, family, and church
• Feeling guilt and shame (Was I a failure as a parent? Will I repeat those failures?)
• Feeling judged or misunderstood by family members, church people, or strangers
• Feeling lost and helpless (I don't know what to do or where to turn)

If you recognized yourself in that list — that recognition matters. These feelings are real. They are also not the end of the story.

The Guilt-Blame Trap

One of the most painful burdens grandparents in this situation carry is guilt. Sometimes it comes from outside — a disapproving family member, a hurtful comment, or even, as one grandmother experienced, a judge who looked down from his bench after granting custody and said: "Try to do a better job this time."

Sometimes it comes from inside. Could I have been a better parent? Did my failures lead to this?

Harper addresses this directly — and anchors his answer in Scripture. Ezekiel 18:20 is unambiguous: "The one who sins is the one who will die. The child will not share the guilt of the parent, nor will the parent share the guilt of the child."

Your adult child's choices are their own. That doesn't mean your influence hasn't mattered — for good or for ill. If there are specific ways you failed that need to be named and confessed, God calls you to own those. But your child's decisions are not yours to carry.

Harper points to a striking example: Abraham Piper — son of well-known pastor and author John Piper — once wrote openly about his years of rebellion after leaving the faith. His own words about his parents: they were "strong believers who raised their kids as well as any parents I've ever seen." Even the best parenting cannot guarantee the direction a child will choose. You can be a good parent and have a wayward child. God, the perfect Father, has wayward children too.

An Unexpected Opportunity

Here is what Harper wants grandparents raising grandchildren to hear above everything else: this interruption is not the end of your story.

"My goal," he writes, "is to help you recognize the hand of our sovereign God in this 'interruption' and seize upon it as an 'unexpected opportunity' — even though, admittedly, it may be a hard one."

The children in your care are not a mistake. They are not a punishment. They are a providence. For reasons known fully only to God, He has placed these particular children in your hands — and with them, an extraordinary opportunity to help them know who they are, whose they are, and why they are so deeply loved.

Taking Care of Yourself First

Dr. Joannie DeBrito, writing for the Legacy Coalition, makes a point that every grandparent in this role needs to hear: you cannot serve them well if you're feeling depleted. Caring for yourself is actually a way of caring for your grandchildren.

Physically: Pay attention to eating well, regular exercise, and sleep. Walking is one of the best exercises for aging bodies — and it's free. A consistent sleep routine (avoiding caffeine after noon, stepping away from screens before bed, keeping your room cool) can make an enormous difference in your daily resilience.

Emotionally: Identify a friend, family member, or mentor who can encourage and support you. Keep up a hobby or activity that brings you joy — it's a genuine stress buffer. Find a healthy outlet for frustration so it doesn't spill onto your grandchildren.

Socially: Don't let relationships atrophy. Jesus himself, in the Garden of Gethsemane, asked his closest friends to stay near him in his moment of greatest need. Trusted friends offer a listening ear, adult conversation, and moments of laughter that restore what the hard days take from you.

Spiritually: Raising grandchildren can feel like a marathon. Pray regularly for strength and hope. Express gratitude — even in hard seasons. Meditate on passages like Romans 5:3–5, James 1:2–4, and 1 Thessalonians 5:18. Reach out to your church community and ask for prayer. If getting to church is difficult, explore online Bible studies or support groups.

And when you wonder how you're supposed to do any of this while caring for grandchildren — remember that some of it can happen together. Eat well-balanced meals with them. Get exercise being active with them. Even 20 minutes carved out before they wake or after they sleep is a meaningful investment in your ability to keep going.

Nurturing Family Relationships

As much as possible, Dr. DeBrito encourages grandparents to maintain a good relationship with their adult child — even in the hardest circumstances. If your caregiving is intended to be temporary while your child gets the help they need, a preserved relationship makes the eventual transition smoother for everyone, especially the grandchildren.

At the same time, protect what matters most. If there is legitimate concern for your grandchildren's safety, seek the help of a licensed mental health professional and an attorney with expertise in child custody issues. These professionals can help you make sound legal arrangements and access the counseling support your family needs.

One of the most important things you can do for your grandchildren is to avoid putting them in the middle of adult conflict. Children who observe adversarial relationships between grandparents and parents will either feel compelled to defend their parent or become angry at their parent for the situation. Your goal is to do whatever you can to support a healthy relationship between parent and child — even when it's complicated.

You Are Not Invisible — But You May Need to Speak Up

Grandparents raising grandchildren are often invisible in their communities and churches — overlooked, misunderstood, or quietly judged. Some people assume the grandparents pushed the parents aside. Others assume the situation reflects parenting failure. Neither is usually true.

Dr. DeBrito's counsel: changing this perception begins with the grandparents themselves. Share your situation honestly with a trusted pastor or church leader — not every detail, but enough that they understand your reality and your needs. As trust grows, more can be shared. Romans 12:4–8 reminds us that we are all part of one body, meant to lean on one another's gifts — and to offer our own.

And here's something counterintuitive that Dr. DeBrito highlights: one of the best things an overwhelmed person can do is help someone else. Using your gifts to serve others — even while you're stretched thin — often reduces stress and restores energy rather than depleting it further.

How the Church Can Help

If you know a grandparent raising grandchildren, here is how Dr. DeBrito suggests the church community can show up:

• Provide respite care — a day, an evening, or a weekend so they can rest and recharge
• Help them find counseling support
• Offer practical help at events — an extra set of hands with the kids
• Remember them on Mother's Day, Father's Day, and Grandparents' Day
• Include them in community groups without making them feel like an outlier
• Consider starting a dedicated support group if multiple families in your church are in this situation
• Provide prayer partners and monetary support for essential needs

Go Deeper

Legacy Coalition contributor Dr. Joannie DeBrito has written a two-part series specifically for grandparents in this situation — covering self-care, family relationships, mental health and legal considerations, and how the church can help:

• Help and Hope for Grandparents Raising Grandchildren — Part 1
• Help and Hope for Grandparents Raising Grandchildren — Part 2

If you're in the middle of this right now, these articles are a good place to start.

Practical Help for the Road Ahead

Raising Your Grandchildren by Cavin Harper was written specifically for this moment — for grandparents who find themselves unexpectedly parenting again and need both practical tools and gospel-grounded encouragement to keep going. It addresses the common emotional and spiritual challenges head-on, weaves in true stories from grandparents who have walked this road, and points consistently to the hope available in Christ.

Get Raising Your Grandchildren → Cavin Harper's compassionate, practical guide — with wisdom, true stories, and hope grounded in Christ. 112 pages, paperback.

Take Courage

You stepped up when it was hard. You opened your home when it cost you something. You are doing, right now, one of the most sacrificial and Christlike things a grandparent can do.

You may feel invisible. You may feel exhausted. You may wonder, on the hard days, if you have anything left to give.

You are not alone. And the God who placed those children in your hands has not walked away from you.

Take courage. He is with you in this — every single day, in real time.

Blessings,
Your Team at Legacy Coalition

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Need a place to start? Raising Your Grandchildren by Cavin Harper — and the Legacy Coalition blog series by Dr. Joannie DeBrito: Part 1 and Part 2.

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