The Hurt No One Talks About

There is a particular kind of grief that grandparents carry quietly.

It isn't the grief of loss by death — though it can feel just as final. It's the grief of a grandchild who is alive and growing, changing and learning — but who you are not allowed to see. Or can only see on someone else's terms. Or with whom you are forbidden to speak about the things that matter most to you.

Maybe a divorce tore your family apart and access became a casualty. Maybe an adult child cut ties and took the grandchildren with them. Maybe you're allowed to visit, but spiritual conversations are off the table. Maybe you're watching from a distance as your grandchildren are raised without the faith you longed to pass on.

If any of that is your story — this article is for you.

You are not alone. And you are not without hope.

The God of All Generations

Legacy Coalition founder Larry Fowler wrote Overcoming Barriers for exactly this moment — for grandparents facing estrangement, divorce, limited access, and spiritually distant adult children. His message from the outset is clear: the barriers are real, but they are not final.

That conviction is grounded in something deeper than optimism. The God who called Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob — three generations by name — is the same God who knows your grandchildren's names. He is not indifferent to the generational gap in your family. He is not surprised by it. And He has not stopped working in it.

Four Types of Grandparents — Which One Are You?

Larry Fowler and Legacy Coalition identify four types of Christian grandparents:

• Cultural — going through the motions without a sense of spiritual calling
• Unequipped — wanting to be intentional but unsure how
• Blocked — facing real barriers that limit access and influence
• Biblical — intentional, prayerful, and actively investing in their grandchildren's faith

If you're reading this article, you're likely in the blocked category — not by choice, but by circumstance. The good news is that blocked grandparents can still become biblical grandparents. The barriers are real. They are not final.

The Three Barriers — and How to Face Them

In Overcoming Barriers, Fowler names three common barriers grandparents face. All three can appear in estrangement situations, sometimes simultaneously.

Geographical distance is the most straightforward — your grandchildren live far away. Technology helps. Letters, calls, and consistent visits matter more than you might think. The key is showing up consistently enough that your grandchildren know you are there, even when you can't be physically present.

Spiritual distance is harder. This is when the parents of your grandchildren — or the grandchildren themselves — have walked away from faith. Legacy Coalition's Brenda Peitzman offers counsel worth sitting with: "Before someone will hear the truth, we have to lead with grace. When Jesus spoke with sinners, He led with grace. When He spoke with the Pharisees, He led with truth. He never compromised either one. We must be full of both grace and truth. Take the time to listen to what they're saying. When you do this, they will be more open to hear the truth."

This is the long game. It requires patience, consistency, and a willingness to listen before you speak. But grandparents who play the long game with grace often find that doors open — slowly, imperfectly, but genuinely.

Relational distance is perhaps the most painful. This is the broken relationship — the estrangement, the divorce, the unforgiveness that has created a wall. Fowler's counsel: "Realize what you can and cannot change. There are some situations you cannot change — but you can change how you react to them."

What You Can Control

When access is restricted, it's easy to focus on what's been taken away. But there is significant territory that remains within your control.

You can maintain the relationship with your adult child. This is often the hardest part. But Overcoming Barriers makes a compelling case: the relationship with your adult child is frequently the bridge back to your grandchildren. Leading with grace — asking for forgiveness where it's owed, letting go of control, listening before speaking — keeps that bridge intact.

You can stay ready. Seasons change. Children grow up. Circumstances shift. Grandparents who have stayed consistent, prayerful, and gracious are far better positioned to step into influence when a window opens.

You can use whatever access you have with intention. Even limited visits, occasional calls, or infrequent letters can carry significant weight when they are warm, consistent, and filled with genuine love.

And above all — you can pray.

You May Not Be Able to Talk to Them About God. But You Can Talk to God About Them.

Wayne Rice, in Long-Distance Grandparenting, puts it this way: "The most important and reliable connection between a long-distance grandparent and his or her grandchildren is prayer. Even though you are far away from them, prayer can bring you and your grandkids together in a significant and powerful way. With God, there is no distance at all between us and our grandkids."

The same is true when the distance isn't geographic but relational. You may be blocked from having a relationship with your grandchildren for reasons outside your control. You may not be able to talk to them about God — but you can certainly talk to God about them.

That is not a consolation prize. That is the most powerful tool available to any grandparent — and it is one that no estrangement, court order, or family conflict can take away.

Building a Pattern of Prayer When You're Blocked

Legacy Coalition staff members have shared practical ways to pray with consistency and intention — especially when circumstances feel out of control. Here are several that work well for grandparents in blocked situations:

Pray by name, by day. Assign each grandchild a day of the week. Pray specifically for that child on their day, then follow up with a brief text of encouragement if contact is permitted. If contact isn't possible, the prayer still reaches them.

Use the GRANDS acronym to pray purposefully for each grandchild:

• G — Godliness (more like Jesus)
• R — Resilient (stay the course despite obstacles)
• A — Affectionate (loving others and expressing it)
• N — Neighborly (friendly and relational)
• D — Daring (courage to do what's right)
• S — Selfless (God and others first)

Set a daily prayer alarm. One Legacy Coalition grandfather sets a 1:00 pm alarm every day specifically to pray for his grandchildren's salvation. The alarm removes dependence on memory and makes prayer a non-negotiable daily rhythm.

Use photos as prayer prompts. Keep photos of your grandchildren visible in your home — on the refrigerator, on your desk, by the coffee maker. Every time you see a face, say a prayer. Some grandparents write names on clothespins used to close bread bags; each time they reach for one, a grandchild gets prayed for.

Pray for their parents too. The path to your grandchildren often runs through your adult child. Praying for that relationship — asking God to draw them back to Him, to soften hearts, to open doors — is never wasted.

A Prayer for Grandparents Who Are Waiting

Father, thank You that we are never too old to make an impact and to leave behind a strong legacy built on Christ. We pray for restoration in families where relationships have been broken. We see You moving in the younger generations — You are the God of all generations. We pray for grandparents who are fighting, waiting, and trusting — that You will open doors no one can shut, and that Your love will reach the grandchildren who feel far away. In Jesus' name, Amen.

You Are Not Invisible to God

One final encouragement from Overcoming Barriers: just because you can't spend as much time with your grandchildren as you'd like doesn't mean you can't have a huge impact on their lives.

God loves your grandchildren even more than you do. He is working in ways you cannot see. Your prayers, your faithfulness, your willingness to lead with grace rather than demand — these things matter, even when you can't measure them.

Take heart. Never forget that you play an important role in God's plan to reach the next generation for Christ.

Resources to Help You on This Journey

Overcoming Barriers
Larry Fowler's compassionate, practical guide for grandparents navigating estrangement, divorce, limited access, and spiritually distant adult children — with wisdom, grace, and hope grounded in Christ. 112 pages, paperback. $13.

Long-Distance Grandparenting
Wayne Rice's encouraging guide for grandparents who are separated from their grandchildren by distance — geographic or otherwise — with practical tools for staying connected and spiritually invested. $13.

Further Reading on the Legacy Coalition Blog:

• The Power of a Grandparent's Legacy — Gloria Robles, March 24, 2025
• 11 Ideas to Create a Pattern of Prayer for Your Grandkids — Legacy Coalition Staff, March 10, 2025

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With love for the next generation,
The Legacy Coalition Team

Legacy Coalition exists to equip grandparents to leave a lasting legacy of faith for their grandchildren — no matter the distance, the barriers, or the heartbreak along the way.

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